Backing up about an hour ago, I have found that almost anytime I am adding to a blog which is not mine, I have a great deal of trouble.  I am laughing at how everything I thought could happen, really did happen.  Sure, I saved my work, but not the correct way.  Yes, either the blog software of the latest version of Firefox locked up.  No fear, I had it saved. Just to make sure, I opened the saved file in my ever reliable e-mail client, Eudora Pro, as Opera, my favorite browser opened up.

There it was, my blog, in HTML formatting, just as I had saved it.  Then, a quick jump in the test and Eudora froze, just like a wet tongue to a flagpole on a night such as this night to morning.  Opera opened up and I got back to my page and opened up my saved filed.  Then the words which I don’t see often, but when I do, I am not usually happy: File Corrupted.  The only thing there was the title of the blog and I didn’t remember exactly how the blog went, so the title was tossed, and in doing so Opera locked up.  Since it is better to laugh at ourselves during many mild crises, I laughed.

It was about 10:00 p.m. and I was home alone, as my partner was working.  The phone rang - no, back up - the four extensions on our phone line rang and not one could be found anywhere.  Okay, I did find one and got to take the call. It was between cushions on the couch on which I was sprawled out.

And, yes, a new problem.  It was only a matter of hours since I had been given permission by my doctor to take out the bladder catheter which I had on for a week.  The surgery, more involved than I had told people, just to get attention off of me and also, to make the sense of disappointment less should the surgery not work or make things worse. Had I been thinking that, well, I would have remembered that I was wearing Depends on under my shorts, then regular shorts after that.  I also would have made sure that the guy making his home in the Depends was really in his home.

It seems that my guy was out for a walk, which meant that when I laughed at myself, my friend, tossed his champagne of joy all over my outside shorts and down my leg.  But, hey, he could still pee, a step in the correct direction.

Here I am trying to tell you the story of my very first Amends.  As I said in one of the times I wrote this, I had about 3 years of clean time when I did this.  I thought that nothing could be worse than Steps 6 and 7.  I was correct about that, really!  Step 8 was okay for me, it was a relief, but also a memory tester.  I realized that some things would come to me later, perhaps the next time I worked on those Steps, at least I certainly hoped so.

I have shared this story, but not the amends part, when being the speaker at a meeting, when wanting to show new comers that we have all done bad things and that we are lucky to have another chance, for the time lost is really gone, it can’t come back to us, not in this Universe (as we know it).

It is the story of how after a night of playing very early video games, in the early 1980s, I was pretty much wasted and decided not to sleep on a friends couch and to drive the one mile home.  Most of you have hear this part.  I made a right hand turn without stopping for the stop sign.  The car that flew off into a manured field to avoid hitting me was a police car. This night had the signs of ending less than great.  Other police cars came.  I apologized, admitted I was drunk, took the breathalyser test, was hand cuffed and was thinking that this night would really stink.

I was allowed to ride in the front seat.  I was still kind of young - yes, me - and the cop was cool.  Also, I could almost walk to my house from the station I was being taken to for processing.  I saw an administrative law judge.  And, as I was trying to think of who I knew who might be sober that night, for it was a large video game night (it was the 80s, you had to be there).

I am going to skip past the rest of the story and get to the amends.  Yes, I did get in trouble.  The county I lived in back then had stronger laws then even compared to many county drunk driving laws of today.

With a bit of help I learned that the then Corporal had moved up, he really wasn’t all that far from retirement, should he want it at the time of the amends.  I found him, I wrote him, and then I asked if I could swing by and thank him in person.  It took a while to get our schedules to work out, plus, I didn’t know if he remembered me or not.

Finally, it worked out and I went and apologized to him and told him that the night he pulled me over was the last night I ever drank and drove - which was true, though I had another decade of using to do.  I then asked him if he could please pass on my apology to his wife and by now, his grown twin sons.  He was deeply moved by this honest gesture and I felt good inside, for I had no idea of how it might go down.  I was to find out that night, now living in Virginia, but going to DC meetings.  Yes, I would actually find out if my act of contrition and my amends of not driving and using made a difference.

That night, as I was sprawled out on a couch at home, with my partner at work, the phone rang - oops, back that phone up - our line rang, which meant that the four extensions to the phone line were ringing.  I was doing what anyone would do when their four extensions were ringing, looking for even one of them.  YES, I remembered, I knew where one was.  In our house of only one bathroom, I found three extensions ringing.  Don’t ask, don’t tell - I plead the 5th of something to how they got in that small room.  It was not a small call.  This is the part I always leave out when I tell this story, it is very personal and very special, but time should not be a prison guard for this part of the story.

When I left the station where I met the man of my amends, I gave him my personal business card.  I don’t know why, didn’t know why, it just seemed that maybe, one day, he may need some help and my card may come in useful.  I did not expect that to happen so fast.

I said hello, a common opening phrase when the telephone would ring back in the 1990s - see, we are moving up.  I heard a very pretty, but tentative voice on the line.  And, I swear to you all, I knew who it was.  Yes, it was the officer’s wife.  She introduced herself to me and I to her.  I didn’t know where this was going and I didn’t know if I wanted to know.  But, with shaking hands and a slight quiver in my voice I asked her how I could help her.  She was gentle and she was honest.  She thanked me for making an amends to her husband and for doing my little part to make the roads safer.  She said that at the point of the incident their marriage was young, about six years.   So, she was young, young twin boys, and a husband who worked in a dangerous world, one made more dangerous by me and my using.  She was honest in her thanks.  She could not have imagined a night without her husband, let alone a lifetime.

Yet, he did go home to his family and pass on my words of how ashamed I was of my behavior, and how sorry I was that I had put their father, her husband in danger.  She found about three or four more ways to say thank you.  I reminded her that she was giving me the gift of forgiveness.

That is the full story of my first 9th Step amends.  Sure, there are some funny parts to it which are left out of this telling.  This time, I had to make sure that I got it, that I got how close I came to making a woman a widow and a single mother of two.  That is the story.  That is what needs to be shared.  Take that home and see how profound so many of our amends truly are to not only the people we speak with, but with those who love them also.

This week has been interesting. Have gotten in touch with how much I take things personal, when I shouldn’t. Sometime I should, but most times I shouldn’t, but do. The setup is I’m all wrapped around something that is not that big a deal. Now that the denial veil is lifted, a little perhaps, I have to cop to this when I see it. My HP being the wonderfully entity he is, sense of humor and all. Has provide me an abundance of chances to look at this glowing character defect. Yesterday, in particular, it seemed everyone at work took the chance to make some snide side remark that was poking fun at me. Now when I’m dealing it out, I gotta take it too (another defect for another post sometime). Yesterday I was mostly the innocent bystander of several drive by shootings (an analogy, not a reality). I am glad that I could see more clearly what I should or shouldn’t take personally, but I’d be O.K. if the speed of the lesson slowed down a little. Fact is, life is good out this way, my current problems are choosing from optional events over the weekend and through next week that I want to participate in. Some with family, some with friends and some on golf courses. It don’t get much better than this…

As Always…

It was good to see another article show up. I wish for Steve all the serenity and grace that any HP has to offer. I was browsing my RSS feeds and drew hope from Steve’s entry. Our text says “When we sincerely try… it works for us as it has for others” (not necessarily a direct quote, but I’m pretty sure it’s close). Then in a little bit in another article I’d opened, I saw this Danny Meyer: Hospitality is king (http://www.37signals.com/svn/posts/262-danny-meyer-hospitality-is-king). It makes an interesting statement about what we do as providers of goods and services to our customers. Maybe you guys can take a look at it, maybe not. It has been a busy time out here and yet there is enough time to do what I need to do to take care of myself, show up for others and provide my employer at least what they are due. It was nasty cold for a while and wonderfully warmer today. Tomorrow they project some nasty weather again, it will pass and golf will be here soon. Stay safe and warm!

As Always…

This past week I have gone through, and continue to go through, a bit of a nerve wracking experience. As an owner of a small business I can get wrapped up in not feeling I and my company’s services are worth what they cost. These past few weeks I have been working on a very large proposal that takes a project I do every year up an additional 40%.

Normally, I would have been panicked, looked for ways to cut my margin, remove necessary items, and all of that sort of behavior.

However, in working the steps with my sponsor and listening at meetings, plus the times when a few of discussed running small businesses in the realm of keeping with the steps and traditions, I have grown. One area that we discussed many times was holding onto and respecting our true value. I was able to bring that to the front and live in it as I worked on this very large proposal.

The proposal is in the client’s hands, out of mine. I can wait, then, when asked answer questions, make fair changes should they need to be made, and continue running my business.

My sponsor, who has a keep awareness of where I might be emotionally when going through such a thing called to check in and to discuss how I felt. I was able to answer him in total honesty that I felt good about the proposal, that I wasn’t having trouble sleeping and that I had designed what they had asked for. From here, well, I can make changes as they need them, and as part of the team, we all see what will work best.

This small step forward was truly a leap for me. The pang of fear in my heart isn’t there, the great desire to call and almost apologize for a perfectly solid and creative proposal is missing. I am living in comfort and serenity.

Once again I can see the results for working the steps, connecting with my sponsor and others in the program, discussing fears, praying for them to be lifted as I work to follow God’s will for me.

That’s it. For me, well, this was a milestone, a measurement of growth. I thank NA and everyone who helped me and I thank my God for surrounding me in the warmth of love and confidence.

Ran into the gratitude topic recently (go figure) and was clear I needed to take a look at myself in that regard. Was all caught up in self and that was leaking out all over the place. Especially while driving by myself. Oh the quality of my ‘problems’. So in a bit of the public eye I commit that I am grateful for the abundance of my life.

I am grateful for… (in slightly an order)

• hp, family, recovery, friends,
• here, you, her, him,
• us, them, pets, animals,
• home, work, aches, glasses,
• firewood, snow, ice, sandbags,
• gutters, leafs, tools, parts,
• hardware, software, smells, choices,
• heat, cold, sleep, snowplows,
• Christmas lights, music, crowds,
• feelings, parking, sponsorship, movies,
• groceries, parties, meetings, interstates,
• internet, wealth, health, reality,
• beverages, garages, mortgages, passages,
• knowledge, mail, commentators, aggravators,
• innovators, motivators, instigators, elevators,
• spectators, expenses, senses, tenseness,
• experiences, preferences, consequences, references,

• and sentences…

Merry, Merry and Happy, Happy!

As Always…

PS. So stop by here sometime, this is what I read

Ok… this place is a little stale. Our bad. Have passed this link to several, but figured I place it here too. I am such a Google addict. Now I’ve started using the Google Reader to wade through the RSS/Atom feeds. What I think is a pretty cool feature allows me to ‘Share’ articles. So I’m using that and sending a link to my ’shared’ articles to the world here. Want to see the next thing that has struck my fancy? Look here at my shared articles, or not… Happy Turkey Day to all…

As Always…

D

So, the week-end was beginning, it is 5:00 p.m. and my doctor calls. The backpain, sever pain, seems to be the cancer moving to my spine - truly, in my case, the worst thing that can happen with this cancer.

The oddest part is that we don’t know for sure, there is still the admission to the hospital, the biopsies of the bones, scans of all sorts and much more.

My hunch, just a hunch, says it is bad, but now cancer - maybe radiation damage. I could be wrong, it could be time for the final stand against this illness, one I can make and maybe just take care of. I win either way for my spirit never lets down, that I know to be true.

Now, the taste of faith is the waiting for the tests, then the waiting for the results of the test. It is not quite like on television, for I was not swarmed on and admitted. Other doctor’s were contacted and meetings between them took place this weekend as I attended an out of state wedding. (an appointment I insisted on keeping to keep my life half way normal.)

So the faith is what I do, where my spiritual condition goes during the waiting. I can tell you this, so far it is just fine. Tomorrow is a busy day as we try to sort things out, get the schedules tested and more, but I will be fine during that. I have work and living to do at the same time and I can’t stop it cold. Not yet, maybe soon, but when I know it is okay and it is time.

I taste faith and it tastes fine - no matter what we find. May God bless us all.

Has been way to long between posts. That means a flurry of nouns/verbs and items of great import (because it is all about me) missed. Oh well. Place I’m consulting for makes permanent job offer, much anguish and knashing of teeth as I struggle with the ‘right’ choice (of course there is only one right choice, right? wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Vacation to Virginia Beach and much good times had by all. Dinner with daughter three times, time with friends, day trip with Honey, dinner with relatives, time spent pampering daughter, dinner with friends a few times, golf three times, card playing with Honey and daughter, did I mention we had dinner, program bday at a meeting, naval airshow from afar, big surf (only watching), weather good (only one really rain day), food good, friends good, fun good, family good, fellowship good, coupleship good, golf good, did I mention we had dinner, travel good (long but good). Now back at work (can you call this work). All in all life is good.

Hello all! This is Heather, writing from Bloomington.

I’m so grateful for this blog, even though I don’t frequently post here. Moving to a new place has been tougher than I’m willing to admit, but not as tough as my melodramatic addict self would wish. I guess what I’m saying is that moving has been tough in ways that I had not anticipated. For example, I knew that building a new recovery community would be difficult, but I didn’t expect it to be difficult because I don’t like the people, I don’t like the meetings, and I don’t like the meeting times and places. To be fair, much of the above was just a rant, but I am finding it difficult to connect with folks in the program here.

Taking care of life stuff is fairly easy. Staying responsible with school work has been fairly easy. Meeting to new people has come fairly easily, but takes time and patience. I’ve got all the time in the world and I’m in no mood to hurry, so the friendship from is going well. I have a handful of people who know me and a bunch of people with whom I can stop and have a short conversation. I have bills…I take care of them on time. I just got a kitten…I’m taking good care of him. I’m remaining close to family and friends back home.

I’m focused on school, primarily, though. I’m (for once) not obsessing about sex. It feels nice, but somehow evasive. Hell, who knows… Left alone in my head on that topic…I’m useless.

Well, this post has been quite non sequitor. My apologies.

Love,

Heather

We all know that this body of mine has been through a good bit these past years. So much so that I expect to only find something new is wrong with it at every doctor’s visit.

During my first visit to a new pain clinic I was hit with some pretty harsh news, a new reality set in. However, when I thought about it, I saw that it was actually was okay news.

The damage to my nerves and tissue was much worse than any of my doctors had anticipated. But there was more than that and I had to understand that fact, to grasp it and to be thankful for it.

Yes, the damage is much worse than anyone expected and the pain certainly seems to prove it. However, I had stumbled upon a doctor who really got it or gets it. He understands that there are days when killing myself seems like a realistic and logical alternative. I am not just using those words for effect, but because it happens and it is very real.

So, I have this doctor who gets it. He leveled with me and did not hold back. The pain was spread over an entire series of nerves and was straightforwarded in letting me know that relief would take a while and not be complete. There would be disappointments, and possibly a few wins.

It is odd, but having such an honest doctor, having him tell me the truth and just put it before me was a great relief. The next step, how I felt, it was all up to me.

I wasn’t going to let the news get me down. No, I took an inventory of how good I have it and found that this news had to fall into that category. I had a doctor willing to work with me, one who was empathetic, and more.

I will say it took this inventory and some prayer to move my soul to see how well I was doing. Since doing so my heart is lighter and I find that I am waking up with a burden no longer present. I had dropped the feeling sorry for myself. To do this I shared in meetings, spoke to friends and my network, was intimate with my partner and so on. Basically, I was not feeling sorry for my life and decided to live my life. I pulled the fabric of the program which I wear like a blanket on a chilly winter’s morning tighter around me.

I have so many of you to thank for helping me find this path. I am fully aware that I will wander from it at times, but now I know it and it is fine, very fine.

The pain is more than intense, no doubt, but the joy in my life is deeper and stronger.

At this first appointment at the new pain clinic we tried a treatment on two nerves that we didn’t have much hope for, but we needed to start somewhere. If we were lucky this painful process would lead to three days up to three weeks of lessoned pain in one area. My doctor gave it about a 20% shot at working. But, we needed to try. He pulled out the needles, filled them up with the meds and then injected each nerve, taking about 4 minutes on each one to get the medicine into the nerve and surrounding tissue. I held the nurses hand and shed more than a tear. But I did it - no, we did it.

Well, 10 days later I find that the pain in that area has dropped significantly and with my pain meds regimin, I can actually sleep through the night. What a blessing. Oh, how life is good.

This has been long,but I feel it important to share the good news after sharing so much pain with all of you. Yes, the pain is there, it is tough to get through some days, but the beautiful parts of my life outdo all of that.

Thank you for all of you for your words of wisdom, prayers, and wonderful thoughts. I know there is much more work and pain ahead, but I choose to follow my God and focus on all that I have. You all have taught me well, thank you.